The Topic: In Today’s News, 4/1/15
News courtesy Brew Buz’s lead news department reporter, and Star Trek former actor, Hot Rocks Horta.
In a surprise move InBev, the owners of Anheuser-Busch, and many other brands, in a massive purchase bought Millier/Coors, Sierra Nevada, Lagunitas, Anchor, North Coast, Rogue, Sam Adams and most of the craft brewers in America. Now very, very local, Memphis-based, Boscos was also taken over too, but they were headed into obscurity anyway.
There were a few who refused to be bought out, like Dogfish, McGuires, Straight to Ale, Cool Springs, Jackalope, Thirsty Dog. And a few made public statements, like Wayne Wambles of Cigar City, “No way in Hell,” and Fred Karm of Hoppin Frog: “That’s NOT the way the frog rolls.” Immediately there was an attempt to toss plagues at those who resisted: like locusts, sanitized Belgian yeast and the Progressive gal. But they just found a way made interesting beer out of all of them.
New InBev Corporate spokesman, who refused to offer his name because, “I’d rather remain anonymous and I frighten little children,” said, “This will be helpful to our new corporate goal to produce an Ultra, Ultra, no carb, Michelob, using possum hair to filter out all flavor. We also use an altered Boscos recipe for their Stone Beer. Instead of beechwood we now age using hot brimstone.
Brew Buz: Horta and All, is a column written by Ken Carman: but that’s just a pseudohym… pussuedonim… oh, hell: that’s NOT his real name. Ken Carman is actually Saint Nopissybbeer who returned to Earth riding on the waves of homebrewing, and then craft beer. Ye shall bow down to his royal bubbliness. Oh, and obviously this is all satire. DUH.