Ken Carman is a BJCP judge; homebrewer since 1979, club member at Escambia Bay, Clarksville Carboys and Music City Homebrewers, who has been interviewing professional brewers all over the east coast for over 10 years.
The Topic: InShaft Acquires Itself… (satire)
A gift to my readers for the season…
“Come the buyout brew-volution EVERYONE will have free InShaft beer.”
“But comrade, I like the choice of having many small breweries…”
“Come the revolution you WILL ONLY like InShaft beer.”
Reporting from Mega Brew International, the ONLY brewery in the world, two days before Christmas– InShaft acquired itself today and immediately told its distributors that it will give them an extra percentage of their profits if they distribute 99% InBev beer, but will drop that to 2% if they distribute InShaft beer. A bit confused, distributors immediately interpreted that to mean they should drop all formerly craft brew brands now part of the InShaft beer empire.
Attempts to reach InShaft for comment were met with a phone tree featuring a Phyllis Diller sound alike that led callers nowhere except through a plethora of bad jokes via an ultra gravely voice, which STILL was more appealing than Mich Ultra.
InShaft immediately dropped all the fake brewery marketing, repackaging, and labeled everything, “The only beer you will ever drink, and drink you will: or else. So sit down, shut up and drink.”
Most of their employees were given the boot; last seen packing up their personal items, as InShaft totally automated their breweries. Relatives across the nation have been flooding police departments with missing person reports.
Meanwhile, InShaft spokesbot 3002 sent an announcement of a new, non-beer, product tentatively called Soylent Green.
This is satire This is only satire. Any similarity with any actual corporate entity, or their actions, is incidental. Maybe. Kind of. You figure it out!
Brew Biz: Werts and All, is a column dedicated to reviewing, discussing and commenting on all things beer including, but not limited to: marketing, homebrewing and homebrew/beer related events, how society perceives all things beer. Also: reviews of beer related businesses, opinions about trends in the beer business, and all the various homebrew, judging and organizations related to beer. Essentially, all things “beer.”