Go to almost any beer site or publication and you’ll run into these claims. Long lists of odd items a beer is supposed to taste like, some of them very weird, funny, yet not the nice kind of “gag” if the damn stuff actually tasted like that. Then you have the fact that the claim a beer has a banana sense that screws actual beers with banana, or at least a yeast that has that characteristic. The attempt is to make beer more wine like with “fine” descriptions that really don’t have a #@!% thing to do with that style of beer. Looks like FUN!!! So Scribe thought he’d try his had at this “unique” style of writing. Thanks to Namraknec for the great mock bottles, since this IS a beer-critique-mockumentary, of sorts. Now as far as Scribe knows neither the breweries or the beer exist, any brewer is free to use these names for their brewery or beer. If you DARE.
The Brewer: The bin Laden Brewery
The Beer: Smoked and Boiled Baby, bee-atch 5
Boiled Baby tingles the tongue as you cry out more more like a lost child in a WalMart. Crying because you found him and want to take him home. He thinks he is home.
Carbonation, in part, causes the tingle. Or maybe just the diaper hasn’t been changed. Boiled Baby is best aged for that extra aged dirty diaper sense, and extra phenols. Both fruit and vegetable sense: carrots, peas, green beans, squash, orange, milk (yours if you’re Mommy) all smeared into a delightfully brown beverage that’s laced with chunks of wholesome left over Gerber goodness. All roasted over refined camel dung.
The Brewer: The Glen Beck Brewery
The Beer: Sarah Palin is a Fruit 2
The second, teabagger edition, with extra scrotum dip right into the boiling vat. This
is a LamBeck beer with brett, brat and the Palin’s former family cat, Chet. Much like there’s no reason Constitution in all the Constitution worship from either brewer or beer’s namesake, there’s no actual fruit in here. But we’ll claim it anyway: tangerine peels, orange skin, plenty of sour grapes, cherry pits, pebbles (rocks), Pebbles (cartoon character), scrapings from the floor of the theater Pee Wee Herman visits, poison oak, poison ivy, poisoned rhetoric: crack this baby open and your sheer moment of terror will be brief, or someone elses might be, like a 9 year old or a Congresswoman’s. We especially like the essence of Pee Wee, which makes this a new innovative style, a LamBeck Fruit Sticke.
The Brewer: Rushing River
The Beer: Heavy Period Ale
Like a red Gueze, highly acidic: tongue ripping tartness…
Get the idea yet? One can make up such shit about anything. Describe the BEER folks! If a flavor really isn’t there, or seems only similar, make sure readers know that. Pouring out wine like words doesn’t make it wine, or make beer better.