Ye Olde Scribe’s Beers for the End Times

Written by Ye Olde Scribe

What to do?

What to do?

The horsemen are horsing around. The Evil one is ruling the planet but Jesus is riding in the same heavenly nuclear tank he rode out on, blasting sinners with plagues, pestilence and mega poisoned pesto. There’s fire everywhere, earthquakes and mother Earth is just being a %$#@! bitch towards her infestation: us. Your evil Aunt Blanche is walking around because she dedicated her life to Jesus before she died, but your kind Unkie Chris is un-reanimated. He was an agnostic. Never you mind Aunt Blanche was a pus filled, AIDS infected, hooker in her prime and Unkie Chris saved puppies from brutal puppy mills.

Why has our kind, benevolent, deity has decided to go with that bitch Blanche, as her eyes dangle out, demons pour forth from the portal no man ever longed to enter and she whacks the nail studded paddle she used to use on all the kids just for fun on her hand? Scribe thinks she looking for you. Doesn’t matter you haven’t been a “bad boy” as she kept insisting.

Like Shaun when faced with zombies: the walking dead, Scribe suggests, “LET’S GO TO THE PUB!”

But what do we drink?

Well if we really don’t want to BE here we could just drink something like End of History, bottled in our former friends: squirrels, rabbits, moles and skunks. Scribe is kidding about skunks, but not so much the rest. Just look at the bloody picture.

They already have “felt your pain.” And consider it pay back time for all those animals we humans have hunted and eaten.

Now if you’re really feeling stupidly optimistic, you could choose Start the Future Beer. Unlike a “measly” 55%, Start is 60%.

By the way, they probably both taste so bad, due to the high abv, you’ll be like all those fun Dark Ages folks who whipped themselves. You’ll just be whipping your taste buds. That’s what you get for drinking Bud or Miller and thinking that was all there was to beer before you got educated.

Now if you’re really into tormenting yourself, pre-post mortem, you could drink all lite, low carb, ultra crap, um, “beer.” That way if you’re expecting the angels to carry you off you’ll be so much lighter! That’s because that shit rots your brain. More likely it will be demons, but HEY!!! Less to burn in the pits, and all the female demons will find you SO sexy!

Now, if you really want to go to Heaven, Scribe has secret. Satan’s really the one doing all this End Time (TM) stuff. He has had a bad attitude for an eternity because he was punished for suggesting all beer must be carbonated piss water long ago by being made the American/Earth-bound InBev brewer. Who do you think makes all that light crap, like “Ultra?” God, Jesus and the Holy Haunted One LOVE good beer.

Brothers! Sisters! Transgendered bartenders! Maybe you’ve sinned. Maybe you don’t believe. But this delightful deity really does love you and if he REALLY DOES love you… um, these “deities?” It get so religiously confusing. Can’t they keep their story straight? Why it’s almost as if… THAT’S IT!!! The might threesome, the same threesome that supposedly be one, do love you, and if they do love you, they MUST love good beer! And drink a LOT of it too!

So if you’d rather be ready for the after life before the after life would normally get here, bless yourself with lightly carbonated holy water. Almost anything from Rogue, North Coast, Anchor, Sierra Nevada, Berkshire Brewing and many other craft breweries and brewpubs might do.

Just remember to make sure the pub you break into during the end times has many, many cases of great craft beer, or the taps are tapped into an end times amount of excellent brews. Read that as many, many gallons: serving tanks full. Enough to drink yourself into the after life before your time, cause your time is short either way, anyway.

So when you’re ready Gang, HEY, let’s

PAR-TEE!