From the Bottle Collection: 1 Day Before Christmas Beer

One Bottle Collection beer for every day before Christmas. Rating system: not actually meant as a “tense” comment. All these beers either don’t exist anymore, or I tasted in the past. Hopefully, if not so hot before, they’re better now. If they do still exist. Or hopefully, if not better they’re as dead as the… Dickens.

Note: the ghosts have varied a bit over the various versions, but even Mr. Magoo’s version the Future was bleak. In the pictures chosen for this series the most visually pleasing ghost was Present.

Ghost of Christmas Present… remember him? Jolly, fun: the kind of guy you’d invite to a party for the season, and the kind of beer you could bring to a festive affair and not be totally laughed out of the room by festive beer geeks. That’s the best a beer gets in this series. Now Ghost of Christmas Past isn’t a great award. You can see from the picture he can be a bit of a grump. Probably from mediocre’ beer. And best not bring a Ghost of Christmas Past Beer to a beer geek festive affair. You’ll be the limp wet noodle of the party. A Ghost of Christmas Future beer? You remember that guy, right? If you want to be laughed at, have to bring most of your offering home and feel like you’ve just attended your own funeral instead of a party, bring a Ghost of Christmas Future beer. Some Ghost of Future Beer might best serve as embalming fluid.

Written by Ken Carman

Stark Mill Holiday

Wow. I do remember this. Stark is no longer in business. The last thing I knew Milly’s Tavern replaced it. I would assume some of the owners, or the staff, are the same since they had a beer with Milly’s picture on it: a black Lab I believe. Just an assumption. Looks like they no longer brew this according to Milly’s site. The Facebook page still uses “Stark Brewing.” There’s a coffee concern in the same restaurant: Stark had the same and a coffee beer.

I remember the brewery as a bit cellar-ish. The beer as complex… a lot of malt: deeply dark with a big, multi, grain. The abv was a tad high but not a sink into the alcoholic warmth beer. More just right for the rather substantial body. Just like the hops. Centennial? That’s a little tougher to remember, to be honest. If it twere spiced: not much. I think I would remember that.

So our highest award goes to Stark’s Holiday.
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Twas the Day Before ProAm Competition, A Seasonal Brew Nightmare

Photo courteous Moosicorn Note “ProAm” is a beer competition with both pro and amateur brewers entering.

photo

Rewritten with Christmas Love by Ye Olde Scribe

Twere the night before ProAm, when through the brew house
The brewer was heard stirring, trying to find a mouse.
Mickey and his family had decided upon a dare,
To swim in the serving tank now he’s stuck in there.

The brewer decided not to go to bed,
Would plums cover that bad taste of boiled mouse head?
Cause tomorrow he had to enter this crap
He was so tired he wanted to just take a nap

When outside the brewhouse there arose such a clatter,
He wonder what the hell what was the matter.
Near where his coat was there was a flash,
“Did someone light up my OTHER private stash?”

Out the window there was a lot of yellow snow
The hot stream fell Santa yelled, “Look out below!”
It had turned into ice and so did appear,
A falling sleigh and those eight mangy reindeer.

With a drunken holler, an alcoholic hic!
He saw a falling and flailing St Nick.
And before he hit oh how the curses they came
As he called each and every reindeer by name!

“Damn you Flasher! Pole Dancer! Gay Prancer and that Vixen!
Vanish! Comet! Stupid Cupid! I’m so Blitzened!
You made me fall and land on my Christmas balls!
Now after Xmas I’ll be as dead as most Malls!”

Out the brewery door the bewer did fly,
To save his beer he knew that he had to try
Into the tank Santa, his deer and snow flew,
Cause he knew Santa’s had lotsa good beer too

So with twinkling, and a few magical poofs
And also an addition of 32 little tasty hoofs
When the Pro Am competition came around,
A secret recipe first place in show was found.

It is Christmas Day and the brewer awakes
His OTHER stash is gone cause that’s what it takes
To dream such a demented dream one must be cracked
Tasting his brew he thought, “Nothing that beer lacked”

But tho next week it made pubsters so merry!
It also gave all of them dysentary
A while ago he’d asked, “Where’d my MAIN stash go?
But now he knows just why this ale’s white as snow

And THAT’S when the FDA and the cops showed up.